Thanks to a post pointed out by preson, I think I finally figured out what causes global warming! Stand to the side, Mr. Gore! It has nothing to do with carbon footprints, recycling, SUVs, oil consumption, or big business. The source of global warming? It’s SATAN!
This all struck me while I was reading a post by Kirk Cameron’s buddy Ray Comfort. Ray believes that hell is in the middle of the earth because the Bible teaches that hell is “below” us. Because I believe in the Bible too, that means I believe Ray.
Here’s my theory. Based on the fact that hell is, in fact, in the middle of the earth, it makes sense that the temperature of the earth is getting hotter. Think about it: back in the day, hell didn’t have that many people in it. Based on my chart at the beginning of the post, this would mean that hell is small and there would be a lot of distance between hell and the earth’s surface. Cogito ergo sum, a cool earth.
But, Satan has been at work! He has consistently worked hard to blind people’s eyes from seeing the truth of the gospel. Therefore, hell has gotten bigger! Think about all the people who are in hell today or who are certainly on their way: Hitler, Darwin, the creators of South Park, democrats, all the popes, Methodists, scientists, and everyone who didn’t read the Left Behind series. That’s a lot! Because hell has gotten bigger and because hell is in the middle of the earth, this must mean (as shown by my second chart) that hell is getting closer to the crust of the earth. This would explain global warming! It has nothing to do with the ozone, pollution, or car emissions. It’s all the handiwork of none other than Satan himself!
Does it matter that the idea of hell being in the center of the earth sprung from medieval Catholic legend? Does it matter that every single author of the Bible believed the earth to be flat, therefore they did not teach that hell was located in the middle of a round earth?
Absolutely not! The only reason you would possibly say such a thing is because you are a friend of Satan and are trying to cover up his handiwork! So I would simply say that if you don’t agree with this, you need to repent of your Satan loving ways and turn to the truth…and by “truth” I mean legends based on medieval Catholicism and teachings that the Biblical authors would never even recognize.
11 March 2008 at 12.08 am
Wow.
You must have a lot of blogging time on your hands. I love it. I’m thinking that environmentalists would fit in your list of hell inhabitants (maybe a subgroup under “democrats”). Thus, environmentalists would be causing global warming by taking up more space in hell.
11 March 2008 at 12.12 am
becky: That is brilliant!
11 March 2008 at 6.38 am
You know, what’s disturbing is that someone is going to happen on your blog, believe you in earnest, and then cite you somewhere. I look forward to the day.
11 March 2008 at 8.08 am
… and it just might be a group with the term pyro in their name.
11 March 2008 at 9.55 am
The truth hurts those scoundrels who are burning as we speak.
11 March 2008 at 12.00 pm
ya know, i agree when you say hitlor, darwin, and scientists, but c’mon, the creators of south park, matt stone and trey parker?! sheesh. and oh. you forgot about scientologists, the kkk, and naxis.
11 March 2008 at 12.02 pm
oh, and sorry. you were also right in saying democrats. they’re the biggest bunch of em all.
11 March 2008 at 12.54 pm
[...] Es culpa del diablo [...]
11 March 2008 at 2.28 pm
Brilliant. You have save us all!
11 March 2008 at 2.32 pm
i kant spel on an iphon.
11 March 2008 at 3.22 pm
Don’t Christians believe in judgment day? i thought they did. coz as I understand, only on judgment day people will be sent to either heaven or hell.
your theory doesn’t make sense
sorry 
but loved the graphs
11 March 2008 at 4.35 pm
People in hell (nobody’s there yet) will be “alone”. That wouldn’t work in your “center of the earth” story. Furthermore, God is going to utterly destroy the entire universe, yet hell shall remain eternally!
11 March 2008 at 6.47 pm
Art,
I’m gonna leave you one of those Ray Comfort fake $20s/gospel tracts, because you’re clearly in danger of hellfire. In fact, I’m so concerned that I’m…oh, nevermind, Kirk Cameron is on TBN right now. Seeya.
11 March 2008 at 8.04 pm
They forgot to cite The Lord of the Rings as one of their references for a middle earth.
11 March 2008 at 9.53 pm
Just in case everyone didn’t catch on to this…this post is a complete joke. It is simply pointing out the stupidity of actually believing that hell is located in the center of the earth.
11 March 2008 at 11.33 pm
Just to make sure people know when you’re joking you should put an ** before and after any sarcasm or hyperbole you employ from now on.
12 March 2008 at 5.10 am
Doh!
12 March 2008 at 3.35 pm
Pauljub: If by the term “utterly destroy”, you meant to say “beautifully recreate in the spirit of resurrection… and just as the Messiah was resurrected, so shall all of recreation be”… then right on.
12 March 2008 at 11.25 pm
Preson…Isn;t it a both and? I mean in Revelation there is a New Heaven and New Earth but the old is destroyed…
13 March 2008 at 9.29 am
On the same note – Shouldn’t heaven be in the clouds?
13 March 2008 at 10.13 am
Poopemerges: I tend to not really see it that way. I mean, our earthly empires will fall. But the earth itself? I don’t really think so.
The earth will be made new when kingdom of God finally appears, we could call it the “second coming” or the “glorious appearing” or whatever. But scriptures are pretty clear that it will be on the earth, and that can’t happen if it is just utterly destroyed. We see the new Jerusalem descending (not literally coming from the sky, but sort of being “demoted” [for lack of a better english word - from the glorious to the physical] so that all will be “promoted” [the merging of physical and glorious] to the glorious new dwelling place of Christ), sort of the picture of God taking it all back to the perfection of eden again, and in his presence it is made new.
But maybe I’m just a heretic and will be totally surprised and confused during the “rapture” to see all my environmental endeavors go up in flames.
15 March 2008 at 10.27 pm
Oh! It’s Satan!? My bad! what a relief!
19 March 2008 at 7.20 pm
Hah! Everyone who didn’t read Left Behind? That’s great! I applaud the brilliance of this post.
I’m slightly curious to read the real post, but at the same time I’m weirded out by the fact that someone would go so far as to actually believe it.
6 April 2008 at 5.43 pm
The preacher at my former church believes what you posted here. I’m not kidding.
21 May 2008 at 10.03 am
[...] this point in the post, I would like to link you to THIS post by Art Boule who, oh-so-eloquently, lays out a great little theory linking global warming to [...]